How To Lose A Date In Ten Ways

Have you ever had someone send you 58 messages in a row to get your attention? Romantic, right? …right? Have you ever had someone turn up at your house because they swear they left their other sock somewhere in your room? By the way, this is the perfect time to talk about “us”. 

Sadly,  Uber doesn't have a feature yet where you can make “go away” a destination. Sometimes calling them an uber and sending them to the garbage tip isn’t enough. And when a simple “go away” doesn't work, sometimes what you need is to bombard them with insane excuses until they get the message. 

Lucky we made this list for you, so you don’t have to struggle through the “oh…uh–I’ve got…a thing–anything–somewhere…somewhere far away from…whatever you call this…” In an age where dating tends to start exclusively online, there seems to be more than everyone’s fair share of losers to go around. 


Before you call that uber and give them the choice of the garbage tip or sewer, let’s try a few of these:

We can start with the classic “I’m sick that day”

Your boss has probably heard this one before. It’s the classic, the original–the Jane Austen of excuses, if you will. Letting someone know that you’re going to be sick on a particular day in the future doesn't make a lot of sense once you really think about it–and hopefully that’ll be enough to drop the hint that you’re not interested. 

Just pick up the phone and cough cough à la Mean Girls, or if you really getting the ick from this person, just a quick ‘sick, soz’, or a Snap of your bedroom wall will do. You could even get a friend involved to ‘look after you’ and then go get a bubble tea instead. Then you’re +1 bubble tea and -1 bad date.

I’m doing my laundry….and my neighbours laundry

Every now and then, you open up your underwear drawer to find a whole lot of nothing staring back at you. It happens to the best of us, and now–as far as your date is concerned–it’s happened to you too. Your date (probably) doesn't know the contents of your cupboards, and if they do–just rope your neighbour into the equation too. You’re a charitable soul (duh) who does all the Susans ’ and Berthas’ of your street’s underwear and stockings, too. If they call you out on this, remind them that “Community is key” and sometimes you have to “Be a villager to be part of the village”. 

 If that’s not enough, then fuck it, get the whole laundromat involved. Now everyone’s getting their socks washed on a speed cycle, and you’re folding shirt after shirt, and you know what? That’s still better than going on this shitty date. 

I’ve got a cake in the oven

This one is a favourite of ours, because it gives you the excuse to go and buy a bunch of cake to label as ‘evidence’, if you really feel like taking it that far (and you should). 

Life is short, eat the cake. 

This excuse infers that you can’t possibly leave the house to see your date–because the cake is in the oven and it needs constant supervision. The best part is, once the cake surely couldn’t be in the oven any longer (at least according to your date), you can add a second one to the oven of excuses. 

“Sorry, I’ve got a second cake in the oven” 
Now you have a fresh excuse and two cakes. Oh–you’ve used the excuse twice now? BAM! Now you have three cakes. Need to use it a fourth time? Piece of cake. 

My horoscope told me to stay inside
Sorry, babe, the stars are not positioned for this date. Like we said, stars…can’t do it. Not today. It’s great whether they’re into astrology or not. Some people won’t touch the stuff with a 20-foot pole, and that’s great for you because they’ll probably just take your word for it. And if they are into astrology? Well, they’ll probably actually take it seriously–and also leave you alone. 

Mercury is in Gatorade or some shit. Doesn’t matter what sign you are (Unless you’re a Gemini - fuck Geminis), your Co-Star app told you unequivocally to STAY INSIDE, and who are you to question the planet's wisdom? 

Maybe it’s girls night…but like… every night
Sorry, Ken, you can’t come–it’s girls night every night. And what kind of a person gets in the way of girls night?
The girls, gays and theys need time to congregate, eat charcuterie boards and talk shit about your date. Right now, it’s important that you make a vodka martini with way too much olive brine and rewatch Off Campus, Twilight and Heated Rivalry for the 58th time.

I’m redoing my Animal Crossing island.
Has anyone picked up their Animal Crossing since 2020? Who cares? With the same fevor of ignoring the cascading reality around us in ~the bad times~ (who are we kidding? It’s still the bad times), you will now be ignoring this date. Pick me up at 8? Oh sorry I am actually Terraforming every square inch of this island. Raymond is pure and free from shame and corruption (right?), unlike your date! These pumpkins aren't going to plant themselves. Ever heard of an animal crossing rock garden? Well, it takes a looooong time to make so, call you next year?

The Goldfish Triology - A 3-Part Excuse for the pros

This one’s a three-for-one!! 

To start off, it’s your goldfish’s birthday–and you can’t possibly miss that! Oh–you don’t have a goldfish? Well, you do now–at least as far as your date knows. Who does your date take you for? A heartless, goldfishless monster? Extra points if you give your ‘goldfish’ a name. Plus, if you also used the cake excuse from earlier (at least once), then your birthday cake is already sorted.

Then, your goldfish dies. Tragic! Poor Swimothy Chalamet (or whatever their name is). Of course, you have to have a funeral! It’s as simple as your best black outfit, some sunglasses to hide the fake tears, a small pile of soil for the ‘burial’ and a framed photo of whatever goldfish comes up on Google (to remember them by).

Then, naturally, you have to perform a seance to try and contact your dead goldfish–obviously! What if your goldfish wants to tell you something? Who are you to not listen?! You have to at least try. 

Feel free to light a few candles, but maybe skip the ouija board–you don’t want to accidentally summon a demon while you’re trying to get rid of a bad date. That is, unless the demon totally understands and wants to help–but you’re on your own with that one. 

After all that, you couldn’t possibly make it to your date. It’s what Swimothy Chalamet would have wanted. 


I lost my phone - uhhhh- my other phone (not the one I’m using now)

There it is, message 59, blowing up your phone. Does this weirdo not get the hint? Hit them with one of the most common excuses in the book. ‘I’m so sorry I can't message you back right now! I lost my phone” Ignore the fact that you just spent three hours scrolling TikTok, or that it says you were recently active on IG. Nope, gone. Lost to the phone gremlins. Forget find my phone. And if they ask how you’re responding to them, tell them…..uhhh my other phone? obvs.

I’m watching grass grow
Look, it’s not going to watch itself. Why do you need to do this? Well who else is going to do it? Does your date see anyone out on your lawn, making sure the grass growth is in check? No? Exactly!

I’m practising for my future Airing Your Dirty Laundry interview
See, this one’s important. What if Daphne Berry from Airing Your Dirty Laundry called you tomorrow and you weren't prepared for the interview of a lifetime? It’s not just sitting in a laundromat, you know! There’s preparation. Poise. Class. You need to know exactly how you’re going to answer each question. After all, your career is at stake! 

So, I’m sorry [insert your bad date’s name here], but I dont wanna talk right now! I’ve got to spend five hours in front of the mirror answering all of Daphne’s questions. She hasn’t asked me to be on her show yet–but I’m sure she will and I need to be prepared for when that day comes. 

 Feel free to do your neighbours laundry there at the same time–although the laundromat might get sick of the weird requests at this stage.

The great thing about these excuses is they’re not going anywhere. You can also use them interchangeably. You can use two excuses at once (you’re doing your laundry, and your neighbours' laundry, all whilst Daphne Berry interviews you next to the washing machine–so this is an all-day thing, sorry!). Get creative with it and get away from that terrible date of yours. 

Anyway, so…uh… this has been great. But I’ve gotta go. I have a thing. Anything…somewhere far away from whatever you call this. 

Oh–what is it? I’m writing an article… for [insert publication name]. Yeah. Um. 

Bye.

Watch The Video Guide:

Kirrilee - Go Away (Garbage Tip) (Official Music Video)